That’s why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they’d call them something else.

I’ve been thinking about old crushes lately.  Like everyone else, I’ve googled a few to see where they’ve ended up.  The one that got away in college has ended up in my mom’s home town, which is just freaky.  I spent a few minutes imagining what life with him would have been like, ending up in a town where my family came from, then went back to trying to find a photo of him to see if he’s gone bald.

I’m Facebook friends with one of my high school crushes.  He and his partner had beautiful twins with a surrogate, and have been together for years now, longer than any of my straight friends have been married.  I took him to my junior prom, because I was at least friends with him and he was in show choir and had his own tux.  As he had had girlfriends, his love of musicals wasn’t a sign for me.  My mom is still regretful about him, he was such a polite boy she says.

I wonder what would happen if I ran into my other high school crush, the one I was mostly too shy to ever talk to and just admired from behind in Physics class.  He’d likely have little memory of me, as he managed to seemingly forget hanging out with me at driver’s ed over the summer once school started again and there were other people for him to talk to.  But I wouldn’t really want to even speak to him, as my crush pretty much dried up when he failed senior year.  Dumb has never been a selling point for me, even when knowing how to ollie was.

A crush isn’t just about the person you have the crush on, it’s about who you would be if you were with him.  With Choirboy I’d be popular, with Skaterboy I’d be cool.  I think my crushes were as much on the person I wanted to be as on the boys themselves.  They hurt not just because I wasn’t chosen to be their girlfriend, but because I wasn’t that person.  I wasn’t popular, I wasn’t cool.  I tried to be, and eventually I found a way to be the person I saw those guys being with.  Ironically, that girl snagged the boy she had a big crush on freshman year of college, who seemed untouchable, and then deemed herself unworthy of someone that good and stayed with her crap boyfriend instead.

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January 13, 2010. Tags: , , . Life, the universe, and whatnot.

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